*This is an excerpt from our new book Forgiveness: Conditional Or Absolute? Cutting Through The Confusion
As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
(Psalm 18:30 )
When forgiveness is misunderstood, abuse often follows.
Manipulators and abusers thrive where there is faulty forgiveness. Therefore, this gives us even more motivation to accurately understand forgiveness and reconciliation—not just for ourselves, but for everyone else in our lives.
Unfortunately, while abuse is all too real, the claim (and word itself) is often overused and misused. Therefore, we need to be clear in what is meant by this word.
• ABUSE | To use wrongly; a dishonest practice; a pattern of treating others in a cruel or harmful way.
There is a great deal of confusion regarding the right way to forgive. This confusion opens the door to abuse, and to ongoing harm for many people. Making this worse, because much of the Church is in error or confused about forgiveness, countless Christians are also greatly harmed as a result, including by church leaders.
In addition, there are many manipulative individuals (including some church leaders) who knowingly leverage faulty teachings and misunderstandings about forgiveness. This helps them to avoid responsibility and accountability, and to shame and further harm those they have hurt.
*For more on how and why these specific problems thrive in some churches, see Failure To Protect: Why Sin & Abuse Is Not Handled Well In The Church
As one example of harmful ideas regarding forgiveness, it is very common for Christians (and nonbelievers) to be taught and believe something like this:
“You forgive and forget. Just forgive and let it go—you are done with it. That means you forgive and then live as if it did not happen. Also, if you try to address the problems, if you try to hold others accountable, and if you do not trust them, then you are the problem. Not only that, you are being unforgiving, unloving, un-Christlike, and judgmental.”
These notions are not merely wrong, they lead to great harm to individuals—and often result in relationships that would qualify as abusive and “dysfunctional.” Those who have lived under this faulty forgiveness know all too well the pain and confusion that goes hand in hand with these erroneous beliefs.
So, when it comes to situations where abuse might be happening—and where forgiveness is needed and reconciliation is on the table—we must navigate carefully with biblical wisdom, and according to God’s design. More specifically, this means we need to be equipped in the biblical truths of forgiveness, trust, confession, and reconciliation. While we have much more on all of these things in other books, we will give numerous biblical principles in this chapter.
All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
(2 Timothy 3:16-17 )
What is the ideal way to realize forgiveness and reconciliation?
When it comes to the numerous faulty ways that people attempt to reconcile, much of this is attached to faulty understandings of forgiveness, and to erroneous beliefs regarding reconciliation. Therefore, when it comes to truly reconciling with one another, it is wise to first establish a biblical definition of reconciliation—one that is accurate, and gives us helpful direction. For example, this is the definition we use in our counseling, classes, and books:
• RECONCILIATION | Changing a broken or damaged relationship into a right and harmonious relationship, to the satisfaction of both sides, and according to Scripture.
As you might imagine, it can be very challenging to reconcile in the right way. Yet, at the same time, few things are more rewarding. Better yet, doing it the right way will absolutely help us avoid unnecessary pain, grief, and abuse.
In addition, this functional definition reveals how forgiveness alone does not reconcile a damaged relationship, especially when there has been great harm. Both sides need to faithfully fulfill all of their responsibilities, such as confessing, repenting, forgiving, and rebuilding trust [all concepts we go into more detail on elsewhere].
Unfortunately, and as we have seen, there are misunderstandings and misinformation spread and believed about absolute forgiveness (e.g., see the chapter on false dichotomy). However, not only is that the right way to forgive, we will examine how this works when it comes to true reconciliation.
Reconciling With Absolute Forgiveness
Sin is not just a bad thing that we do. Sin always has consequences, many of which are deadly and destructive (Galatians 6:7). Some examples include: sin grieves God, sin hurts individuals, and sin causes separation and damage in relationships.
What is more, perhaps the biggest outcome of sin in relationships is that sin often destroys the trust between two or more people. Therefore, when it comes to possible reconciliation, the pivotal thing we want to look for is the level of trust, and how well trust is rebuilt, or not.
*For more on trust, see Trustworthy People: How To Spot One + How To Be One
With all that in mind, we will present a short-and-sweet biblical understanding of how to reconcile. What follows is the ideal way for handling interpersonal sin.
8 Steps for Biblical Reconciliation
1. The sin and problems are appropriately confronted—particularly by “speaking the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)
2. There is a full agreement on the culpability of the problems and sin involved. (Amos 3:3)
3. There is a full ownership and contrite confession of all sin. (Proverbs 28:13)
4. There is a genuine and specific request for forgiveness of the specific sins (“Will you please forgive me for _________”).
5. There is a genuine, specific, and full granting of forgiveness (which leads to the process that follows, which we expound on in our book on how to forgive).
6. There is genuine repentance, which comes from godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:8-11), which leads to noticeable and lasting fruit of repentance, (Matthew 3:8), which builds the trustworthiness of the Offender.
7. The hurt individual, in addition to forgiving, objectively discerns if, when, and how much to trust.
8. If the essential responsibilities (e.g., forgiveness; repentance) are sufficiently satisfied by the Offender and Offended, then trust is rebuilt, and they are effectively reconciled. [Note: The bigger the offense, the more trust is damaged, the more involved this can be, and the longer it will take to truly reconcile.]
To sum this up in a personalized way (from the point of view of the hurt individual):
You address the problems, and you forgive all of the offenses, but you do not have to trust. Rather, you are to objectively discern the fruit of repentance, or lack thereof. And this, combined with the overall character of the Offender, largely determines the amount of trust you can and should have. So, to the degree trust is rebuilt—particularly through forgiveness, repentance, and discernment—the relationship is reconciled.
In contrast, here are some examples (not in any order) of what often happens in situations where there might be abuse, “dysfunction,” manipulation, and unrepentant individuals.
15 Common Ways Sin Is Handled Poorly
1. The sin and problems are not really addressed.
2. There is shaming, personal attacks, and punishment for anyone who does try to address the problems, especially any patterns of wrongdoing and harm.
3. Trust has been repeatedly broken, yet the hurt individual is pressured and coerced into trusting (with or without forgiveness), while the Offender is not really addressed, or held accountable. [This is a common pattern in enabling.]
4. There is great difficulty in coming to an accurate agreement of personal culpability for the problems and sin involved.
5. The focus is consistently redirected away from truth, confession, accountability, appropriate consequences, and dealing with the actual problems and sin—while demanding forgiveness (apart from accountability), and guilting and punishing those who do not submit to Enabling Forgiveness (more to come on that kind of forgiveness).
6. There is a pattern of evading personal responsibility, such as excuses, minimizing, justifying, blame-shifting, denial, redirecting the focus, gaslighting, etc.
7. There are no real requests for forgiveness of the specific sins (this ambiguity often leads to unforgiveness/resentment, and to confused and faulty “reconciliation.”)
8. There is no real granting of forgiveness.
9. There is well-intentioned forgiveness—however, unforgiveness and resentment are the actual result because there is a faulty understanding of how to forgive.
10. There is worldly sorrow, which is often a counterfeit of godly sorrow. (2 Corinthians 7:10-11)
11. There are promises to repent and “do better,” but there is no lasting fruit of repentance. (Matthew 3:8)
12. There is word-based trust (where people talk other people into trusting them) as opposed to character-based trust (where people work hard to develop a trustworthy character, often through repentance, and by consistently following through on what they say they will do).
13. The hurt individual forgives and trusts right away.
14. There is forgiveness, and both people assume that forgiveness alone means reconciliation has occurred.
15. There are one or more Enablers involved, those who seek to rescue the repeat offender (often an abusive individual) from much needed accountability and consequences.
*For more, see our booklet on Enablers. Also, enabling is addressed at length in the upcoming book One-Sided Reconciliation
As you can hopefully see in the above patterns, the core problem is that the responsibility for the sin is not appropriately handled. Therefore, even if there is forgiveness, trust will not be rebuilt by the Offender becoming actually worthy of trust. Why? Because there is no godly sorrow or repentance, which often happens when there is no accountability or consequences. As a result, there will not be any improvement in behavior or trustworthiness—and so the pattern of harmful behavior will continue, which can easily qualify as abuse.
Coinciding with this, if the hurt individual merely forgives and then re-trusts, then this usually makes the existing problems even worse. This also results in a pattern of ongoing harmful (if not worsening) behavior, which is, by definition, abuse.
But, fortunately, there is good news. All of this can be avoided for those who are biblically equipped in how to handle sin and error, and are willing to follow these principles in their relationships. Therefore, let’s continue our pursuit of equipping in forgiveness and reconciliation.
The 3 Ways Of Reconciling
There are three main approaches to forgiving and reconciling, but only one is wise, safe, and correct. But before we get into those three ways of reconciliation, here are some key definitions that everyone needs to know.
• Enabling | Empowering harmful behavior and making existing problems even worse, usually by minimizing or avoiding accountability, consequences, and the truth, while often believing that forgiveness alone solves the problems and results in reconciliation and rebuilt trust.
• Enablers | Those who make existing problems worse through their enabling (see above). Not only that, they cause this great damage, while often believing they are being very loving and helpful.
• Abuse | A pattern of ongoing harmful behavior, which results from a lack of repentance (and godly sorrow)—and is often enabled by a lack of accountability, consequences, and the truth. (Proverbs 19:18, 19; 27:5, 6; Ecclesiastes 8:11)
The 3 Ways Of Forgiveness & Reconciliation
1. Enabling Forgiveness | Forgive everyone without really pursuing or expecting accountability, repentance, or rebuilt trust.
2. Conditional Forgiveness | Withhold all forgiveness until the offender fully repents, while confronting the problems and pursuing accountability (when appropriate).
3. Absolute Forgiveness | Forgive everyone, while also appropriately confronting the problems, pursuing accountability, looking for the fruit of repentance, and discerning if, when, or how much to trust, if at all. [This trust is based on discerning the quality of repentance, and what is known about the character of the Offender.]
Key Observations | 3 Ways Of Forgiveness
• Enabling Forgiveness and Conditional Forgiveness make the huge mistake of combining forgiveness and reconciliation (i.e., if you choose to forgive, then you are choosing to trust and be reconciled). This confusion leads to ongoing harm for both individuals, and for those in proximity to the relationship. [Note: It’s possible that not everyone in either group combines these.]
• Enabling Forgiveness is at the heart of many abusive situations—as this empowers destructive behavior and thinking, which can easily turn into abuse.
• Enabling Forgiveness teaches people to not take sin seriously. However, there is nothing God treats more seriously than sin. Therefore, Enabling Forgiveness not only distorts true forgiveness, it is effectively the opposite of how God wants us to treat sin. [We have much more on this in our upcoming book: Sin, Love & Counterfeit Love.]
• Enabling Forgiveness is heavily relied upon by abusers in their schemes to evade responsibility, accountability, and consequences. Abusers do not just abuse people, they usually manipulate and abuse the truth about forgiveness and reconciliation.
• Conditional Forgiveness prevents us from forgiving anything and anyone (see Mark 11:25), which hinders us from the benefits of forgiving, such as healing, overcoming pain, and maintaining objectivity to discern the appropriate amount to trust.
• Conditional Forgiveness can easily lead to resentment (due to withholding forgiveness), which harms both people in the relationship, and others as well. Resentment, anger, and bitterness lead to a lack of objectivity—yet objectively is needed in all areas of life, and is necessary in any pursuit of reconciliation.
• Conditional Forgiveness is often relied upon as an excuse to not forgive (some may do this unwittingly), which causes great harm (e.g., resentment/bitterness; unwarranted estrangement).
• Absolute Forgiveness separates forgiveness and trust, and separates forgiveness and reconciliation.
• Absolute Forgiveness allows the hurt individual to fulfill God’s command to forgive “anything” and “anyone.” (Mark 11:25)
• Absolute Forgiveness provides healing, gets rid of anger or bitterness, and allows the Forgiver to be sober-minded and objective, particularly in discerning the appropriate level of trust in the Offender, and whether the relationship can or should be reconciled.
• Absolute Forgiveness is entirely safe—and will lead to good fruit in the Forgiver, and, perhaps, in the Offender, in the relationship, and in others .
• Absolute Forgiveness is far more likely to lead to rebuilt trust and true reconciliation, while also steering clear of any abusive situations.
So yet again, we see that what we believe about forgiveness is not just a theoretical argument. It has real life implications for all of us, especially in the most painful moments of our lives. Therefore, we want to be as biblically accurate as possible. And we hope you can see that reconciliation through absolute forgiveness (forgiveness + rebuilt trust) is the right, safe, loving, wise, and biblical way forward.
Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
(Matthew 5:23-24 )
*This post is a chapter taken from our new book Forgiveness: Conditional Or Absolute? Cutting Through The Confusion
About The Ministry
Hope For Life Biblical Counseling & Equipping is a non-profit ministry based in the Central Valley of California. We have always been fully committed to providing biblical counseling at no cost to anyone in need, along with classes, books, and other equipping resources for the local community and the worldwide body of Christ as a whole.
Because we truly believe that “everything that was written in the past was written to teach us so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures, we might have hope,” we are passionate about sharing that Word every chance we get.
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